mrsronweasley (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mrsronweasley) wrote2003-07-04 11:48 am
mrsronweasley) wrote2003-07-04 11:48 am
Happy Independence Day -
A fitting day to be thinking about what America means to me, which is what I did today in the car on the way to pick up an errant air conditioner for my sister.
You see, we were driving on the highway, and it was all so familiar. It was all so achingly familiar - the road signs, the roadside, the trees and the grass on either side of the concrete, and the cars on the roads. It's so familiar, and it had been home for me for all of nine years, until I came to England. I realize now that I do love America, but only for what it has done for me - not for it now, or in the future. I am forever grateful that it provided a life that, no matter how difficult may have been at times, was so much easier than it had been in Russia. I am grateful for the friends I have found, for the ideas I have encountered, for the freedom that I have had, and the opportunities that it has presented. It has allowed me to be myself, something that I might not have been able to do in Russia. But I also realize now that I have been taking it, all this time, as a temporary thing, a substitute until I found myself in a place where I truly belonged, heart and soul, and that was the place I found when I came to England. Everything here feels hollow right now. What had been my life before is now an even more temporary solution, a way of getting back home. Home home. I look around, see the buildings, see the people, and more than anything, I feel this ache to get back to where I was just a week ago. I think about the roads in Ireland, the stone walls, the grass fields, the old cottages and everything that I see here loses its color. But it's good. It's good because I know where I belong now, really know. And I will make it back there, I know I will. I once wrote in this journal, sometime in August, that I felt like I was standing on the edge of a change, of something so important that I only had to step over the line and nothing would ever be the same. It turned out to be completely true. Seems strange now, how scared I was of going to England, excited though I was. It'll be a relief to get back there now.
And right now I just have to get used to the idea of being here, remember what life was like before England. I know I can do it, especially since I know that it is temporary.
So, happy Independence Day. It's funny how my own independence was won in England, huh?
You see, we were driving on the highway, and it was all so familiar. It was all so achingly familiar - the road signs, the roadside, the trees and the grass on either side of the concrete, and the cars on the roads. It's so familiar, and it had been home for me for all of nine years, until I came to England. I realize now that I do love America, but only for what it has done for me - not for it now, or in the future. I am forever grateful that it provided a life that, no matter how difficult may have been at times, was so much easier than it had been in Russia. I am grateful for the friends I have found, for the ideas I have encountered, for the freedom that I have had, and the opportunities that it has presented. It has allowed me to be myself, something that I might not have been able to do in Russia. But I also realize now that I have been taking it, all this time, as a temporary thing, a substitute until I found myself in a place where I truly belonged, heart and soul, and that was the place I found when I came to England. Everything here feels hollow right now. What had been my life before is now an even more temporary solution, a way of getting back home. Home home. I look around, see the buildings, see the people, and more than anything, I feel this ache to get back to where I was just a week ago. I think about the roads in Ireland, the stone walls, the grass fields, the old cottages and everything that I see here loses its color. But it's good. It's good because I know where I belong now, really know. And I will make it back there, I know I will. I once wrote in this journal, sometime in August, that I felt like I was standing on the edge of a change, of something so important that I only had to step over the line and nothing would ever be the same. It turned out to be completely true. Seems strange now, how scared I was of going to England, excited though I was. It'll be a relief to get back there now.
And right now I just have to get used to the idea of being here, remember what life was like before England. I know I can do it, especially since I know that it is temporary.
So, happy Independence Day. It's funny how my own independence was won in England, huh?
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Gives me hope. One day, somehow, I'll find my home too. My real home. The place that sets my soul at ease. The place that, just being there, comforts me right to my core. The place where I might finally belong. You found yours. Now do everything you can to get back to it. Fight your way back there, and once you get there again, don't you ever let it go.
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Still, I am so happy it's the Fourth of July! Going to a rooftop to watch the fireworks still gives me chills. I hope you enjoy your day. :)
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your words touched me a lot. And who knows, perhaps sometime I'll be able to find such a place.
I hope you've had (or still having) a very nice day. :)
*Hugs*
Cara here!
(Anonymous) 2003-07-04 04:54 pm (UTC)(link)I knew as we watched you run down campus to the train station that you'd be back.
I have this stong feeling England misses you... the weather hasn't been half as good since Monday!
Besides you still didn't get to see the part of England I call home!
Love you, Cara
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(And totally OT - I love your icon. Hehe.)
*HUGS*
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No, it really doesn't! *sigh*
I hope you have a lot of fun - hey, you're on a roof in NYC! Life rarely gets cooler, man. *MWAH*
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*MWAAAAAAAAAAH*
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You will. You will. It'll be wonderful! And I hope that your day was great, too!
*hugs*
Re: Cara here!
Oh, that stupid train... I ended up having to wait nearly ten minutes for it! Hmph. Could have spent that time being with you and Steph, instead. Bah!
I apologize about the weather. ;) But I will definitely bring back good weather when I go to visit your home!
love you, too!
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It's strange where you end up if you're allowed to be yourself, isn't it?
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I know just what you mean. When I was 20, I had a choice between two summer jobs in places I'd never been before. I chose the one which paid 25 cents more an hour. Because of that simple meaningless difference, I found myself in the place where I knew immediately I was meant to be. I hadn't even realized that I'd never felt at home in any other place until I got there. It was a great comfort to know that a place like that existed.
You will get back there.
Piper
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I think I know how you feel, too--England is just home to me. I have a hard time explaining to some people that it doesn't have anything to do with my boyfriend living there.
I come back to America, and while it's comforting and familiar at first, I never have that soul-deep connection, y'know?
(Forgive me if this is disjointed or confusing--I'm trying to catch up on nearly 200 LJ entries from this weekend. And I know I owe you another comment or two, but I've been too lazy to go back to them!)
*random huggles*