mrsronweasley (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mrsronweasley) wrote2002-11-30 11:40 am
mrsronweasley) wrote2002-11-30 11:40 am
OK, so...
I remember that I started this journal as a means of steam-expellent. A place to rant. A place to let loose and shed inhibitions. And I figure, why not go back to that? I mean, no one has to read if they don't want to.
So, here be some steam.
Why is it that my mother grills me on my homework and general academic stuff and doesn't even respond to a happy email telling her about Stonehenge that includes a picture? Why is it of little importance that I am happy with my friends, but the world will end as we know it if I don't talk about school? (Which I have always hated talking about, with anyone, because I don't find it particularly interesting, and cannot for the life of me figure out why it would be of any interest to my mother, except for the "keeping up of brilliance" in the family? Oh, yes, I have some pretty high standards to live up to, as I have been explicitly told.) Why do I feel like I'm only there (in my family) to get good marks? Fuck, there's more to life than school. And I'm doing well. The only reason I go on the defensive with my parents is because I know that that isn't good enough for them. I distinctly remember writing a really difficult paper in high school and being beyond myself with joy when I got an A-. My dad looked at it, smiled and said: "Well, that's good. But, why isn't it an A?"
However, me standing next to Stonehenge is of little value. Because it has nothing to do with my education.
And, yes, mom, I'm not in my room a lot, but that's because I do other things. Besides, most of my work is writing papers, and I don't even have a computer in my room. Thus, I have to do to various computer rooms to do that work.
ARGH.
I realize that this may seem unfair. And I do love my parents. Just...right now, I'm feeling more distanced from them than ever. We just think on a totally different plane. And we're thinking in different directions. It's impossible to come to an agreement.
Add to that the fact that I really do need to start doing something about these constant depressive waves, and the fact that I still have no idea what the hell happened to Jadis, and am seriously worried, I simply cannot wait to have the break start. At least I'll spend a few days with friends from back home. At least I'll be with Sam, who doesn't care about how I do in school as much as he does that I'm just happy. That's a really nice feeling, for a change. And I'll get to see the NY GALs. Thank God there's that to look forward to.
I'm sorry this is such a shitty entry, if you're still with me. But that's the way it goes.
And it's funny, from the outside, you'd think that my life was going great. I just met a bunch of really cool, really fun people. I'm going to Italy in just about ten days. I'm going to see Sam. I have two parents that care. Well, deep deep down inside...
I should be more excited than I am, but something is almost physically preventing me from being really genuinly happy and/or excited. Whenever I say this to Sam, he comes up with a brilliant (and obvious) response: "Well, you're depressed, dear."
Indeedy.
So, here be some steam.
Why is it that my mother grills me on my homework and general academic stuff and doesn't even respond to a happy email telling her about Stonehenge that includes a picture? Why is it of little importance that I am happy with my friends, but the world will end as we know it if I don't talk about school? (Which I have always hated talking about, with anyone, because I don't find it particularly interesting, and cannot for the life of me figure out why it would be of any interest to my mother, except for the "keeping up of brilliance" in the family? Oh, yes, I have some pretty high standards to live up to, as I have been explicitly told.) Why do I feel like I'm only there (in my family) to get good marks? Fuck, there's more to life than school. And I'm doing well. The only reason I go on the defensive with my parents is because I know that that isn't good enough for them. I distinctly remember writing a really difficult paper in high school and being beyond myself with joy when I got an A-. My dad looked at it, smiled and said: "Well, that's good. But, why isn't it an A?"
However, me standing next to Stonehenge is of little value. Because it has nothing to do with my education.
And, yes, mom, I'm not in my room a lot, but that's because I do other things. Besides, most of my work is writing papers, and I don't even have a computer in my room. Thus, I have to do to various computer rooms to do that work.
ARGH.
I realize that this may seem unfair. And I do love my parents. Just...right now, I'm feeling more distanced from them than ever. We just think on a totally different plane. And we're thinking in different directions. It's impossible to come to an agreement.
Add to that the fact that I really do need to start doing something about these constant depressive waves, and the fact that I still have no idea what the hell happened to Jadis, and am seriously worried, I simply cannot wait to have the break start. At least I'll spend a few days with friends from back home. At least I'll be with Sam, who doesn't care about how I do in school as much as he does that I'm just happy. That's a really nice feeling, for a change. And I'll get to see the NY GALs. Thank God there's that to look forward to.
I'm sorry this is such a shitty entry, if you're still with me. But that's the way it goes.
And it's funny, from the outside, you'd think that my life was going great. I just met a bunch of really cool, really fun people. I'm going to Italy in just about ten days. I'm going to see Sam. I have two parents that care. Well, deep deep down inside...
I should be more excited than I am, but something is almost physically preventing me from being really genuinly happy and/or excited. Whenever I say this to Sam, he comes up with a brilliant (and obvious) response: "Well, you're depressed, dear."
Indeedy.