On Guilt.

[mrsronweasley]

Let's talk about guilt. It comes in all sorts of colors. It comes in all shapes and sizes. If you're Jewish, it comes in bigger shapes and sizes.

I'm Jewish.

I have been feeling guilt all my life.

Why am I writing this now? Because I'm feeling particularly guilty for all sorts of stupid things.

The general guilt never really leaves, and is very hard to dissolve - for instance, guilt for having gone to NYU for a year and put my parents in a bigger hole than they already were in. There's the guilt of not calling my grandparents as often as I should, or ever, really. Even though I love them very much. There's the guilt of not working as hard as I should be and "not living up to [my] potential".

Those things are ever-present and are like old friends to me. Well, maybe old presences, like an essence that feels so familiar, you can't really imagine your life without it.

Then, there are the little things. Like, say, owing someone an email. For instance, I owe Jadis a long-ass email. I really really want to write it, but each time I ponder its size, I say "aaaahhhhhh" and leave. All I really have to do is sit down in front of the computer and just write it. Instead, I sit in front of the computer and feel guilty. Where is the sense in that? There isn't, but cultivating guilt is something that I am really good at. It's probably my biggest talent.

I feel guilty better than anyone.

I feel guilty all the fucking time.

In case you couldn't tell, it's really starting to get to me.

Why can't I just not give a damn? If I could have one day where I just didn't give a shit, I would be happy. But has that ever happened?

Noooooooooooooooooooo...

I have no idea where it comes from - I may be Jewish by my parents' passports (yes, they put that in your passport in Russia) - but we're not practicing. My family is atheist. I'm not strictly atheist, but I sure as hell do not practice Judaism, so

WTF?!?!

Just had to let it out.

Am done now, thanks.

Comments

[percy-weatherby.livejournal.com]

*cuddles, because everyone needs a good fond cuddle once in awhile*

I used to make myself feel guilty that way. I've since decided to take my misery out on a select few people, and say "Everyone else's life sucks because of YOU." This may be counterproductive in the end, but I don't mind being The Big Bad Wolf anyway.

By the way, I am now the proud owner of Cemetery Polka by Tom Waits, and thank you unbelievably for the suggestion.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

*cuddles with houie* oh, i really needed that cuddle! :) i'm not sure i'd be able to ever be the Big Bad Wolf(e?), but that does sound amusing. maybe i'll try it sometime. ;)

and, yes, another new tom waits fan! he's amazing, isn't he? *sighs and goes off to play 'mule variations'*

[(Anonymous)]

please feel no guilt over me. Hell, you just moved and now you are getting ready to move over seas. you have shit going on. it always takes me for ever to write you and all I do is sit around the house all day reading. you have no pressure from me. so, don't feel guilty.

I am catholic (to about the same extent you are Jewish) we are rather gifted in the guilt department as well. it sucks. and it is self-destructive. and it is always such a great addition to and cause of depression. just remember that the first person you are obligated to is yourself. you can tell the rest of us to piss off from time to time and we will not be the worse for it. trust me sometimes you have to do it.


now try to relax. and remeber life is good and you kick ass.


XO,
Jadis

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

oh, thank you! i feel better now. :) i do have shit going on - so much that i'm avoiding all of it. whooops. no, but seriously - you're right in saying that guilt can be self-destructive. i can sort of not think about it when it concerns my family when i'm away, but as soon as i get within five feet of them, it all just comes back, because it's "why haven't you don't this yet?" "what are you doing?", blah, blah, blah I'll do it!! sheesh.

ok. i'm relaxing now. yes. life is good. life is very good.

:)

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

I'm another "vaguely Jewish" person, which does alas seem to mean you get stuck with the guilt. It sucks, and sucks all the more because you know it's not logical.

*hugs, because you seem to need them*

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* i do! :) yes, i really believe it's genetic. it just squirms its way inside - and affects all logical thought processes. *sigh* well, we can fight it, right? right! off we go, fighting guilt! :)

Re:

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

Culturally inherited, at least. *sigh, and more hugs* But we can fight it, yeah! Just twelve thousand repetitions of "It's not my fault" should do it. :)