On Reuniting with Family...

[mrsronweasley]

So, I haven't really written a long-winded entry in a while, and I figure that since I have plenty of opportunity to do so today, I will. It'll be on, well, family.

You see, I thought - rather silly of me, I know - that things might be better than I expected them to. Me and my silly and sporadic optimism. In any case, me and my silly and sporadic optimism were hoping for some understanding on a few issues. Ha.

At first, things were good because they were all interested in hearing about my "adventures" in England and Italy. I gave out presents, was very happy they all loved them, cheap and small as they were. (It's awful, I know, but the most expensive gift I bought was for Sam...not my family... Huh...) But they were thoughtful gifts, so it was good. I know them well enough. But nice as things were, almost immediately I got comments such as "I don't know, I liked the reddish brown better" (about my hair), or "Well, now, what will we do about your hair?" (on the lack of any style, the way it just hangs) "You've lost weight - looking good!" (because, you know, I was huge before, and we just can't have that). I know this seems pitiful to get upset about, but what gets to me is the fact that they think it's all right to say all that. Because it doesn't matter if I get upset - it's the truth, isn't it? Why should I get upset at the truth?

The winner was when everyone was getting ready for bed. I had come out of the bathroom to get my pajamas, and my mom and sister were hugging, and my mom said something about my sister being wonderful. Half-joking, I said: "What about me?" My mom's response was to hug me and say: "You pierced your belly button!" I said: "So, it's my belly button, that shouldn't matter!" My mother's response: "I tried so hard, went through so much pain, and you pierced it!"

"It's my belly button!"

"What do you mean? It's mine!" And she kissed me. At this point, I just wanted to run into the bathroom and come out in England. My sister attempted to save the situation by saying "Don't be mean to Lizka!", but my mother JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. Even though she was smiling when saying all this, she FIRMLY BELIEVES IT! She actually believes that I shouldn't make these decisions about my body because it doesn't belong to me. I just...I cannot wrap my mind around it.

Then came the conversation with my sister and my "revelation" to her. I asked her whether she was uncomfortable with me being bi, and she said yes, looking very uncomfortable, indeed. I asked why, since she is not homophobic. She said, through clenched teeth, not looking at me, "I don't like lesbians." She made it sound better by saying that she doesn't really like women, anyway. She finds men easier to deal and interact with. I knew that she didn't like women so much, but DAMN. I am her SISTER! I am not just some random lesbian that showed up on her doorstep, I'm ME. That hurts. It really does. I didn't really know what to say to that, so I just sort of sat there for a minute, and then got up and left.

She also said at another point that if I want to spare their (my parents') feelings, I should work hard on every other part of my life, have really good grades, everything, and then this (me being a Big Bad Pseudo-Lesbian) won't seem as bad on top of things.

If I want to spare their feelings. You know what? I want to know this - why doesn't anybody want to spare my feelings? What about me makes it OK to say all this to me? What about me makes it all right to tell me that I look like crap, or that I am not good enough, or that I make someone uncomfortable just by being myself? And it's funny I should be surprised by all this, because I have always been the scape goat in my family, and my sister knows this. My parents probably do, too, but they just don't admit it to themselves, much less to me.

If nobody finds it suitable to spare my feelings, then I don't think it's fair I should be living up to some impossible ideal just to spare theirs. I am human, too. Amazingly enough, I do have feelings, and they get trampled over in this family. Just because I am different, just because I don't want a pretty wedding, and a ton of kids. Just because I have a ring in my belly button. Just because I have black hair now. Just because I am me, I get shit. And I'm expected to behave? I'm expected to just fucking take it?

My sister tells me that I have no problems. I sometimes cannot get up in the morning because I want to put a fucking bullet in my head. She's not even willing to see that I am depressed out of my skull. Why is Sam the only one who sees these things? Oh, yes, I know why. Because he is actually willing to look past the faults, accept me as I am, no matter how much I may even resist, and try and HELP ME. Because he cares. And he won't yell at me because I left something lying on the floor. Or because I didn't snap to the dishes quickly enough.

Dammit. I didn't mean to go off, but I think I had to.

*sigh* I guess I really have drifted away from them. I'm just glad that there are people still who accept me as I am and don't accept me to change just for them.

I should have taken Sam up on his offer and just gone home with him... But, damn, what do you know, guilt was all over me. I couldn't just do that to my parents. That would be wrong, and they would never forgive me. Even though I'm expected to forgive them just because they are my parents. Funny how that works...

And now, off I go... On the plus side, stereo_m and I are finally talking. Yay! She's funny. Like I thought she would be. And I'm never wrong, of course...

love to all.