On Reuniting with Family...

[mrsronweasley]

So, I haven't really written a long-winded entry in a while, and I figure that since I have plenty of opportunity to do so today, I will. It'll be on, well, family.

You see, I thought - rather silly of me, I know - that things might be better than I expected them to. Me and my silly and sporadic optimism. In any case, me and my silly and sporadic optimism were hoping for some understanding on a few issues. Ha.

At first, things were good because they were all interested in hearing about my "adventures" in England and Italy. I gave out presents, was very happy they all loved them, cheap and small as they were. (It's awful, I know, but the most expensive gift I bought was for Sam...not my family... Huh...) But they were thoughtful gifts, so it was good. I know them well enough. But nice as things were, almost immediately I got comments such as "I don't know, I liked the reddish brown better" (about my hair), or "Well, now, what will we do about your hair?" (on the lack of any style, the way it just hangs) "You've lost weight - looking good!" (because, you know, I was huge before, and we just can't have that). I know this seems pitiful to get upset about, but what gets to me is the fact that they think it's all right to say all that. Because it doesn't matter if I get upset - it's the truth, isn't it? Why should I get upset at the truth?

The winner was when everyone was getting ready for bed. I had come out of the bathroom to get my pajamas, and my mom and sister were hugging, and my mom said something about my sister being wonderful. Half-joking, I said: "What about me?" My mom's response was to hug me and say: "You pierced your belly button!" I said: "So, it's my belly button, that shouldn't matter!" My mother's response: "I tried so hard, went through so much pain, and you pierced it!"

"It's my belly button!"

"What do you mean? It's mine!" And she kissed me. At this point, I just wanted to run into the bathroom and come out in England. My sister attempted to save the situation by saying "Don't be mean to Lizka!", but my mother JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. Even though she was smiling when saying all this, she FIRMLY BELIEVES IT! She actually believes that I shouldn't make these decisions about my body because it doesn't belong to me. I just...I cannot wrap my mind around it.

Then came the conversation with my sister and my "revelation" to her. I asked her whether she was uncomfortable with me being bi, and she said yes, looking very uncomfortable, indeed. I asked why, since she is not homophobic. She said, through clenched teeth, not looking at me, "I don't like lesbians." She made it sound better by saying that she doesn't really like women, anyway. She finds men easier to deal and interact with. I knew that she didn't like women so much, but DAMN. I am her SISTER! I am not just some random lesbian that showed up on her doorstep, I'm ME. That hurts. It really does. I didn't really know what to say to that, so I just sort of sat there for a minute, and then got up and left.

She also said at another point that if I want to spare their (my parents') feelings, I should work hard on every other part of my life, have really good grades, everything, and then this (me being a Big Bad Pseudo-Lesbian) won't seem as bad on top of things.

If I want to spare their feelings. You know what? I want to know this - why doesn't anybody want to spare my feelings? What about me makes it OK to say all this to me? What about me makes it all right to tell me that I look like crap, or that I am not good enough, or that I make someone uncomfortable just by being myself? And it's funny I should be surprised by all this, because I have always been the scape goat in my family, and my sister knows this. My parents probably do, too, but they just don't admit it to themselves, much less to me.

If nobody finds it suitable to spare my feelings, then I don't think it's fair I should be living up to some impossible ideal just to spare theirs. I am human, too. Amazingly enough, I do have feelings, and they get trampled over in this family. Just because I am different, just because I don't want a pretty wedding, and a ton of kids. Just because I have a ring in my belly button. Just because I have black hair now. Just because I am me, I get shit. And I'm expected to behave? I'm expected to just fucking take it?

My sister tells me that I have no problems. I sometimes cannot get up in the morning because I want to put a fucking bullet in my head. She's not even willing to see that I am depressed out of my skull. Why is Sam the only one who sees these things? Oh, yes, I know why. Because he is actually willing to look past the faults, accept me as I am, no matter how much I may even resist, and try and HELP ME. Because he cares. And he won't yell at me because I left something lying on the floor. Or because I didn't snap to the dishes quickly enough.

Dammit. I didn't mean to go off, but I think I had to.

*sigh* I guess I really have drifted away from them. I'm just glad that there are people still who accept me as I am and don't accept me to change just for them.

I should have taken Sam up on his offer and just gone home with him... But, damn, what do you know, guilt was all over me. I couldn't just do that to my parents. That would be wrong, and they would never forgive me. Even though I'm expected to forgive them just because they are my parents. Funny how that works...

And now, off I go... On the plus side, stereo_m and I are finally talking. Yay! She's funny. Like I thought she would be. And I'm never wrong, of course...

love to all.

Comments

[angua9.livejournal.com]

Not a very good reception from the sister, huh? Liz, I wish they would give you the appreciation you deserve, but you're right, there are people who will. "Doesn't like lesbians"???? P'tuh. Ptooey. What a thing to say!


Angua

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

I know. We talked about that later. She said that it was nothing against me personally, or against Marie, just that she hasn't been able to connect with that particular group. Humph. It's still upsetting. Anyway, nothing I can do about it, so...yeah.

Thank you for your kind words!

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

Since I keep swining between stunned shock and epic ranting, all I'm going to say is this:

I love you to bits, and have never been gladder you got the fuck out of there.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

I love you to bits, too, and I am so glad! You have no idea. Wow.

[sekhmet2.livejournal.com]

::sigh:: I was hoping it would go better than that. I wasn't *expecting* it to, mind you, but I *was* hoping. Dammit. Dammitdammitdammitdammitdammit.

Sweetie, I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better, but I know that I can't. I can't even give you a big hug, and that's what I think that you need the most right now. Oh, take that back--what you need most is for your whole family to see me hug you in front of them so that they will know that you are loved and appreciated by others, if not by them. You are a wonderful, special, *fantastic* person and I hate that they are too stubborn and too blind to see that! They are *lucky* to have you--gods know they could have gotten stuck with some of the shitheads that I went to school with for their kid. It just really makes me mad to see you hurting like this. And, of all of your family, I was hoping that your sister would have been on your side.

Perhaps you should tell them to talk to me--maybe it would do them good to see how fucked up a person can get when they spend most of their life trying to live to please everyone but themselves. It ain't a pretty sight, and I would hope that they'd want better for you.

Just know that I will always support you (like that's any consolation!!) and I, for one, hope that you continue to live your life the way that you want. It might piss them off right now, but *you* will be better off for it in the end. Trust me on this.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you should tell them to talk to me--maybe it would do them good to see how fucked up a person can get when they spend most of their life trying to live to please everyone but themselves. It ain't a pretty sight, and I would hope that they'd want better for you.

*HUGS* God, I wish I could come over there and give YOU a big huge hug!.. We're sad, aren't we? *sigh* Thank you so much for your support. You're just...so wonderful. I can't believe how much you understand, it's astounding. We're very much the same person, aren't we?

I am so grateful to have you as a friend. I know I may not always show it (I'm horrible about emailing, I know), but trust me - I am. Thank you so much for your continuing support and understanding. I'm sending much much love to you and yours. Much much love.

*huge hugs*

[sabine10.livejournal.com]

I wish I could do more than send a hug. Please, always remember that you are a lovable, kind and open-minded person.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you! :)

[magoo42.livejournal.com]

::huggles::

Remember, your friends are always here for you.

~ami~

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Ami. I shall remember. :) *huggles*

[miraminx.livejournal.com]

Oh, Liz. I'm sorry. They really sound, well, poisonous. My grandmother is also prone to the personal judgments (hair and weight, of course, being the top contenders for things to criticize). That's awful enough; I can't imagine having the entire family comment on me like that. And your sister! jesus! I can't even begin to describe how astounded and angered I was at her reaction.

I'm just glad that there are people still who accept me as I am


Not just accept you, but like you *for* what you are, not in spite of it. And I'm glad you have such good friends too; you deserve them.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping you survive the joyous (ha!) holiday season. Take care of yourself.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

My grandmother is also prone to the personal judgments (hair and weight, of course, being the top contenders for things to criticize).

Why is that? I do wonder why people think it's all right to say these things just because they're family. My sister thinks it's because people think that coming from family, it's easier to deal with. But that's bullshit. It hurts just as much, if not more.

Not just accept you, but like you *for* what you are, not in spite of it. And I'm glad you have such good friends too; you deserve them.

Thank you. That's something I really needed to hear.

I hope that you have a joyous holiday season, too - or at least get trashed enough that it doesn't matter! (is that wrong?) Have a good trip!

[percy-weatherby.livejournal.com]

I love you, Liz Sweetie. Don't you ever let anyone make you feel as if you aren't your own person. You're a beautiful, wonderful, unique, talented person with an absolutely STUNNING piercing!

Just because they're your parents, remember that you're not required to agree with them, or even like them all that much. I assure you, you can love somebody without agreeing very much with their personality. I feel that way about one of my older sisters. I love her, but I also think that she is sometimes selfish and could use a few lessons on life.

I am now going to be absolutely, disgustingly politically incorrect. Bear with me, because even if what I say may seem weird at first, it's absolutely true. I've learned from quite a bit of experience.

People, in general, have a tendancy to accept gay men much more easily than lesbians. A person who would easily have no problem with a homosexual man may be very uncomfortable around a homosexual woman. This is because of one simple fact: Gay men are funny by nature. Usually not even intentionally. The media has noticed this as well, and profited from it, which means that people often have more exposure to homosexuality in men than women (there are few screen lesbians).

This means that when people are around a gay man, they have a tendancy to pay more attention to some of the more stereotypical aspects in their personalities (stereotypes, are, after all, sometimes founded). This means that when they meet a gay man they don't think, "Oh. God. This person sleeps with other MEN. This makes me uncomfortable". Instead, the stigmas and personalities at hand make them think, "This man is absolutely flamboyant and ridiculous. I've never met anybody so strange before". Because they aren't faced with such a blunt reminder of the fact that a few hours ago, that man probably had his tongue in another man's mouth, they don't become as uncomfortable. I commonly intentionally up my own flamboyance in front of new people I'm meeting, when I'm really very calm at home or with close friends. It helps people "deal" with it.

With lesbians, there's no real stigma there like that, which is unfortunate. You can't really make a joke of yourself or do anything to ease the passing. People are hit right away with the blatant truth. These women are attracted to other women. It's even worse for bisexual people, like yourself, who are not only commonly misunderstood by heterosexual people, but ALSO a lot of homosexual people.

I know it's got to be very hard having your sister act like that, Liz. That's one of the reasons I don't talk to my own said older sister. But I also think that this might just be her "adapting" period. She was just splattered with a lot of information, and unfortunately, there was nothing there to buffer the fact.

*snuggle* I hope that helps somehow.

In the meantime, just close your eyes and think of England.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

You - are - so - sweet. I'm practically crying. And you're right - lesbians don't have the flamboyancy that people love to get stuck on when they think of gay men (which pisses me off, but hey, that's life). What they DO have is that butch, man-hating bitch thing going for them, which neither men nor women like. Men don't like lesbians because they feel threatened by them, and women don't like lesbians because they don't understand them and they're different. You're right - my sister IS going through that "adapting" period. She told me last night that she has no problem with me, personally. But, man... But I will be understanding. Someone has to be, in all of this. I know that that's something she did not expect, and just because I think of homosexuality as perfectly natural and know what it's like to feel it, doesn't mean that everybody does.

You DID help. And you're wonderful. Have a wonderful Christmas, babe, and try not to kill any of the overseas relatives while you're at it. ;) *mad snuggles*

In the meantime, just close your eyes and think of England.

I love you.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

Please, don't you ever stop being YOU, because I love YOU and because it'd really suck to change a beautiful person for a bitter, frustrated one.


Your wish is my command. :) I don't want to stop being myself. I actually, from time to time, enjoy being myself. If I weren't myself, I wouldn't have all this, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Thank you, Ni, for being so understanding. I wish you didn't live so damn far... But hugs and love travel a long way. Thank you.