mrsronweasley | On seeing certain...people...

Well, huh. So, yesterday, a certain girl that I have talked about here more times than is stirctly appropriate, was to get back from the States. We were supposed to help her move in, since she's moved off-campus. (A sore point with me. She's no longer down the hall, or at walkable distance. It's the train now. And I still look down her hallway automatically, wondering if she'll come out of her room. It's like instinct. Incurable.) Well, what happened was, she came to Theresa's while Theresa was in class, sat on her doorstep to wait for her, then got some of her stuff and keys, and departed, because she was really tired - which is totally understandable. But I didn't see her. And no plans were made - she was supposed to come back to campus today, sometime in the morning, to hand in an essay, but nothing between the three of us was set. Last night, I almost had a breakdown. I didn't think I'd ever have a chance of seeing her again, unless it was by accident, because she'll only be here on Mondays and Fridays and I can't call unless it's inside the campus. That is all. I... I wasn't expecting that. I don't know what I was expecting. I just wanted to fucking SEE her. I just wanted to make sure that she was here, again, that she was here, and it's crazy, but I can't help it.

This morning I pretended that I wanted to read in the lounge of one building, but who was I kidding? I was stupidly hoping she'd come by. But she didn't come by, and I decided to hit myself over the head, come back to my senses (whatever was left of them), and go back to my room until I had to go to class. On my way to that class, while walking up to one of the building, I saw her, through a window - she was in a computer lab. She saw me first and waved and smiled, and I think I almost lost my balance. I certainly wasn't expecting the meeting to be so accidental.

We talked for five minutes - I had a class to go to, she had an essay to finish (this is just like her - she didn't need MORE words, she need to shut the hell up and finish up with her point. *sigh*). But we hugged each other, which I wasn't really expecting, since she isn't the huggly type. But we did. And I somehow got through that first meeting without making a total fool of myself. I mentioned reading "The Fountainhead", because I knew she'd gone through her Ayn Rand phase, and she said that it was a pretty good book, except for "this one part". I got out of her which that one part was, because I knew exactly which one she meant. And while reading it, I knew that she probably hated it. Isn't that funny? I was right. It was that part.

She might call at some point, so we can catch up and talk. Not all hope is lost, but then, I am so scared of actually seeing her again. And not seeing her again. I'm afraid because I think I could very easily run away with my feelings, and I just can't do that right now. I can't. Not with her. It's not even because of Sam - we both agreed that we're free for the time being, and that we'll get back together, most likely, when I come back - but it's...her. I can't allow myself for this crush, or whatever the hell it is, to take over, because it would never work out between the two of us. It just wouldn't. I admire her just a little TOO much, and she means to me, as a person, just a little too much. We would not be equal. I don't want that. I know that she knows that.

But, damn, I just wish I could hold her, really hold her, just once. And kiss her. Just...just once.

I am also wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Sorry about the angstiness, but had to get it off my chest.

Am now off to watch "Sex and the City" with Robin and people.

Oooh, and I'll get to hear music... Yaaaay... I want my limb back...

On seeing certain...people...

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