Hmm.

[mrsronweasley]

I feel like I am going nowhere. I don't have a direction, I'm just moving from day to day, from one small thing to another. I don't have a goal, not really. Not a real one. I think - I will do this for graduate school, or I will do this my senior year, but I find myself feeling like I am simply saying it. That it won't actually happen. That I won't make it happen. All these things that I've ever wanted to do - I don't think that I will do them. Because I don't have that drive in me, not to the extent that would help me get there.

I think that tonight I finally came to the conclusion that if I don't have that drive, I just have to make it. However artificially at first, I will do it. Because I can't go through life half-blind like I am right now. I will set a goal for myself, whatever it may be, and I will do everything in my power to achieve it. I want to live towards something, not even for something, but towards it. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.

Why am I saying this now? Because I have nothing else to write about and I feel like I should write, if only for my own purposes which I will not expound on at this moment. I also feel that putting it in here will somehow cement it for me.

I think sometimes - what do I have but my books and my writing and drawing? What do I look forward to every day, what do I live for? Then I think - what do others live for? What people have come to consider "a life" often seems to encompass the social aspect of it. Well, I have that. But it isn't that much fun for me. It's just...there. Sure, I enjoy talking to people over an occasional pint, but it isn't something I may necessarily look forward to as much as putting my feet up and settling in with a nice novel. But what will I get out of either one of those things? I have no answer for that, but I suppose it's good that I'm at least asking.

I have always wanted to do something with my life, something important, for me. Not for anybody else, I realize this now, but for me. Because I am my own ultimate judge, and I am the only one who can redeem ME in my eyes. No one else can do that, no one.

If I'm not satisfied with my life, no one else can tell me that my life is going in the right direction. (Though, at this point, there's hardly a risk of ANYONE telling me my life's going places.) If I don't think I'm doing my best, then it's my own damn fault.

Tonight's resolve has lifted some sort of weight off my (always tense) shoulders. Now I can do it. I can set my goal and I can achieve it, because it doesn't get much lower than this, I don't think. I will need help, and I will need support, but, in the end, it'll be me that will have to bail my ass out of the rut. It's scary, but it's also something that will just have to happen. I want my life back.


And now I feel like I should write something lighter, or something just...happier. Ummm.

I know who gave me my anonymous Valentine. Anyone remember me talking about a kid that I argued with about Communism, way back when? Well, we'd talked since then (obviously, it wouldn't have stemmed from just one conversation where I ranted about Communism and almost bashed his head in), and it turns out he has a crush on me. That's what happens when you lend someone "Anthem". I feel bad since nothing will actually happen, but flattered, also, 'cause he's a good guy. And he's interesting to talk to. And, I mean, who isn't flattered to be the object of a crush? Anyway, I wasn't supposed to find out, but someone blabbed. Heh. Gotta love the rumor mill.

And I am happy because I have "At Swim" back.

Again I say.

I want my life back.