mrsronweasley

I feel like I am going nowhere. I don't have a direction, I'm just moving from day to day, from one small thing to another. I don't have a goal, not really. Not a real one. I think - I will do this for graduate school, or I will do this my senior year, but I find myself feeling like I am simply saying it. That it won't actually happen. That I won't make it happen. All these things that I've ever wanted to do - I don't think that I will do them. Because I don't have that drive in me, not to the extent that would help me get there.

I think that tonight I finally came to the conclusion that if I don't have that drive, I just have to make it. However artificially at first, I will do it. Because I can't go through life half-blind like I am right now. I will set a goal for myself, whatever it may be, and I will do everything in my power to achieve it. I want to live towards something, not even for something, but towards it. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.

Why am I saying this now? Because I have nothing else to write about and I feel like I should write, if only for my own purposes which I will not expound on at this moment. I also feel that putting it in here will somehow cement it for me.

I think sometimes - what do I have but my books and my writing and drawing? What do I look forward to every day, what do I live for? Then I think - what do others live for? What people have come to consider "a life" often seems to encompass the social aspect of it. Well, I have that. But it isn't that much fun for me. It's just...there. Sure, I enjoy talking to people over an occasional pint, but it isn't something I may necessarily look forward to as much as putting my feet up and settling in with a nice novel. But what will I get out of either one of those things? I have no answer for that, but I suppose it's good that I'm at least asking.

I have always wanted to do something with my life, something important, for me. Not for anybody else, I realize this now, but for me. Because I am my own ultimate judge, and I am the only one who can redeem ME in my eyes. No one else can do that, no one.

If I'm not satisfied with my life, no one else can tell me that my life is going in the right direction. (Though, at this point, there's hardly a risk of ANYONE telling me my life's going places.) If I don't think I'm doing my best, then it's my own damn fault.

Tonight's resolve has lifted some sort of weight off my (always tense) shoulders. Now I can do it. I can set my goal and I can achieve it, because it doesn't get much lower than this, I don't think. I will need help, and I will need support, but, in the end, it'll be me that will have to bail my ass out of the rut. It's scary, but it's also something that will just have to happen. I want my life back.

And now I feel like I should write something lighter, or something just...happier. Ummm.

I know who gave me my anonymous Valentine. Anyone remember me talking about a kid that I argued with about Communism, way back when? Well, we'd talked since then (obviously, it wouldn't have stemmed from just one conversation where I ranted about Communism and almost bashed his head in), and it turns out he has a crush on me. That's what happens when you lend someone "Anthem". I feel bad since nothing will actually happen, but flattered, also, 'cause he's a good guy. And he's interesting to talk to. And, I mean, who isn't flattered to be the object of a crush? Anyway, I wasn't supposed to find out, but someone blabbed. Heh. Gotta love the rumor mill.

And I am happy because I have "At Swim" back.

Again I say.

I want my life back.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh, lovie.

I know just what you mean, and I wish you luck in getting that sorted. Again, rant my way if you need to, you know that.

*many, many hugs*

And heheh, you have someone with a crush on you. :D

Thanks, love. :) I wish you didn't have to say 'I know how you feel', though, you know what I mean? I wish we were all happier... *many many hugs back*

*love*

oh, and yeah. heh. poor boy. i pity anyone who has a crush on me, just like i pity sam for actually being with me. i couldn't put up with it, personally.

Yeah, I wish we were all a bit happier too. *love love love*

And weirdly enough, the people who like you seem to think you're smart and funny and sweet and lovely, and don't object to liking you at all. :) *hugs*

Can I just, like, copy the whole cut part of your entry and post it as mine? Like, ALL of it? Heh. Dude, GOOMH already. ;)

It was sort of scary, really, to read that, 'cause I was reading my own thoughts. Put on paper. Or screen, or whatever. Much more coherently that I ever could express them, so I am quite sure that I did not actually write it myself. ;)

So, yeah. I so know what you are saying.

I have no doubt you will go far, as in make something of yourself and with your life that you really want to do, because... well, in short (I was trying to say... something here, but it turned out totally unintelligible), you ROX! *nods*

*pouncehugmwahandstuffx87*

Dude, GOOMH already. ;)

LOL. Yeah, really. (And yes, you may. ;)) See, I knew we were twins... *sigh* I know that there are things I can do to change all this (and, incidentally, same to you :-P), but it's just so hard, isn't it? And scary. But I think...I think that it may be overcome. With lots and lots and LOTS of persistence.

you ROX! *nods*

Same to you. You're doing something already, and I'm really proud of you. You're coming to England to study! Even if it is only for a few weeks, it's already a big step. So, go you.

*all that right back at you*

I wish I had some good advice for you. But alas, I do not.

LOL. And that is ok.

First, the bad news: there will always be times in your life when you lose your drive,
when everything seems meaningless.

Even if you have therapy, you need to maintain your mental health, else, it's
likely to deteriorate again.

Now, the good news: if you've developed strategies to overcome this, you can rely on
them again and again.

What I'm relying on more and more is "being in the moment". It's a Buddhist
strategy that implies fully being where you are, who you are. It's difficult
to achieve, and it doesn't work for everybody. If you want to give it a try,
tell me.

Looking forward to hearing more about what you will be living towards.

percival

there will always be times in your life when you lose your drive, when everything seems meaningless.

I know... I just wish that I also had times when I HAD that drive. See? Yeah...

Now, the good news: if you've developed strategies to overcome this, you can rely on
them again and again.

Yeah. But it's the developing that's going to be hard to do, but that's what I'm trying to figure out now. Trying to find the best...plan, I suppose.

Thank you! I just might take you up on the offer sometime... :)

I know... I just wish that I also had times when I HAD that drive.

Sometimes you do. It might just be a minute, but you have to hang
on to the feeling. Ever heard of "flow"?

percival

Hmm.

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