Here Be Rant

[mrsronweasley]

Announcement of the day: Do not take your sanity for granted.

I want to thank those wonderful people who replied to my post yesterday - you're wonderful and I really appreciate it. And if you thought this was bad, watch out - I am going to vent a bit now, so, be warned...

Last night, Sam and I had another fight. About the same thing. You see, in the morning, I felt like absolute crap. The smallest thing set me off and I just...I felt like I was being surrounded by Dementors. Then, slowly, the day got a bit better. After Sam got off work, I went to see what he was up to. We talked, I was still upset, so I cried into his stomach. It was comforting, and I was surprised that he let me do it, and even said: "just let it out", because normally, me crying is a call to arms. For me. Confused? So am i.

In fact, I'm not making any sense to myself right now. I didn't make sense to myself last night, either, when a mere (albeit HORRIBLE movie) pissed me off so much I went outside and sat on the steps, avoiding...well, everything. Sam came out and asked what's wrong. He, once again, got upset that the merest thing set me off and that I wasn't talking to him about it, and that I was bottling things up and blah blah blah, we had another fight.

He may be right about the things he says - in fact, I know he is - but the way he goes about it... He is not a touchy-feely person. I can accept that. What I can't accept is the fact that he yells when he tells me to take better care of myself. I don't like yelling. I don't. It makes me flinch and I don't like it. I told him that last night.

"Why don't you like yelling?"

"I just don't."

"Did you get yelled at when you were a little kid?"

"..."

"Well?"

"yes..."

"Did your mother yell at you?"

"yes..."

"And did your father just sit there and let it go on?"

"..."

"?"

"no...he was at work..."

You see, Sam has issues with my family. He believes that they fucked me up. I know they did. But I hate thinking that. I do. Because then I feel ungrateful, and treacherous, and bad, and it's stupid, but I do. And Sam can't accept that. He says that I need to let go of my family to a certain extent - I know, but...it's hard. And that's really the main issue, in some sense. Me and my family.

What really gets to me is that I'm like a walking mine-field. Sam walks around on eggshells sometimes, because he doesn't know when I'm going to go off. I don't know when I'm going to go off. I hate it. I HATE IT. I feel like I have because this whole other person, and I really don't like her.

I used to be fun. I used to be easy to talk to.

Now I cry almost every night and can't do shit about it.

Well, I can, but not without outside help. I'm about to take my medication. And I fugre ranting here is an ok idea, because, after all, it's my lj.

And I'm out...

Comments

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

Freud was a nutter, but I definitely think he was onto something with the idea that most things in our lives relate back to our families.

I know it's hard to truly believe, but you have nothing to be guilty about. That you've got family issues to work out does not make you a bad daughter, or even mean that you think your family is a bad one (especially since I doubt they meant to fuck you up). It simply means that that's something you need to find a way of dealing with. And since you've recogised that that's part of the problem, then you can actually start to tackle it. In the meantime though, is there any way you can calmly explain to Sam that you really think shouting is counter-productive, and while you know it's an issue you really don't think his shouting is helping anything?

And that 'whole other person' who you really don't like? That's the depression, not you, honey, so try not to direct that hate towards yourself. *hugs*

As always, email whenever you want to. Nobody expects you to tackle this thing alone - we want to help. *more hugs*

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

Katie, you're so wonderful. You just are.

Frued was a nutter, but a damn smart one at times. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but it's a long way from knowing and actually doing. I've felt guilty all my life, about everything in the world. I'm famous for this among my friends. Must be a Jewish thing, I don't know... And it's hard not to continue feeling this way. When I tell myself to stop feeling guilty over this or that, I immediately feel selfish. Go figure. But I will try. Dammit, I will try. And as for Sam yelling... He says it isn't yelling. It probably isn't. Everything is so heightening for me, though, that I take everything much worse than it is. He gets pissed off about walking on eggshells around me. I get pissed off that he gets pissed off. It's a bad cycle. Yet somehow we manage to get over that. Until the next fight. Ugh.

A whole other issue, I suppose...

Wow. You now know much more about me than you possibly ever wanted.

I just typed "sorry". Then, I erased it. I think it will stay erased.

::hugs back::

[sekhmet2.livejournal.com]

Oh, Liz. I wish I could be there, just to hug you in person. I understand where you are coming from, truly I do. I also can understand what Sam is talking about, although perhaps he doesn't always go about it in the most comforting of ways. I'm sure that your parents thought that they were doing their best by you, but coming from such a completely different culture and upbringing themselves, well...... Still, that's no excuse for yelling at you all the time as a child.

I do hope that you get to feeling better soon. Do take your medication--I can tell you from personal experience that it can make all the difference in the world, especially as far as the mood swings. Oh, you'll still have them, of course, but they won't be such a wild rollercoaster ride and you should find that it is easier to put the things that set you off into perspective.

As I have told you before, you are always welcome to email me and we can talk. I have been there before, and it's hard. But, you *will* get through it, sweetie. Believe me. ::hugs: